Article
How Much of What Happens to Us Is in Our Control?
Human beings spend much of their lives trying to answer one of the most unsettling questions: how much of what happens to us is within our control? The question cuts across philosophy, psychology, religion, and daily life. At one level, it feels empowering to believe we shape our own destiny. At another, experience reminds us that chance, circumstance, and other people play a decisive role. Navigating this tension is essential for living with clarity and peace.
The Sphere of Control
The Stoic philosophers often spoke about the distinction between what is “up to us” and what is not. Thousands of years later, the principle holds. We control our thoughts, choices, and actions. These are the levers that belong to us. Beyond that, outcomes, other people’s decisions, timing, and most external events are variables we cannot command.
The trouble arises because the boundary is not always obvious. A person may work tirelessly at their career, but economic downturns can erase progress overnight. An athlete may prepare perfectly, only to be sidelined by injury. Parents may do everything “right,” yet children still make choices of their own. Life has a way of reminding us that control is narrower than we would like it to be.
The Illusion of Total Power
Modern culture often glorifies control. Phrases like “you can be anything you want” or “success is only a matter of hard work” reinforce the illusion that life is purely self-directed. While motivational, this narrative can be damaging. When things go wrong despite one's best efforts, people often blame themselves for forces that were never within their control.
The truth is more nuanced. Effort matters, but it interacts with chance. Discipline, focus, and preparation increase the likelihood of success but never guarantee it. Recognizing this reduces the weight of unnecessary guilt and allows for a healthier relationship with failure.
The Art of Acceptance
If we cannot control everything, the next step is learning acceptance. Acceptance is not resignation. It does not mean giving up on effort or ambition. Instead, it means focusing on the part of the equation that belongs to us while letting go of the rest.
Consider someone waiting for a job application. They can control the quality of their résumé, their preparation for the interview, and their professionalism throughout the process. They cannot control the hiring manager’s biases, the budget constraints of the company, or the number of other applicants. Worrying about those factors only wastes energy. Acceptance frees the applicant to prepare well without being crushed by rejection.
Freedom Through Limits
Recognizing limits creates freedom. By accepting that we cannot shape everything, we are liberated from the burden of trying to control the uncontrollable. We no longer have to bend the entire world to our will. Instead, we can devote ourselves to the things that are truly ours: our discipline, our kindness, our integrity, and our persistence.
This perspective also deepens resilience. When setbacks occur, we see them not as total defeats but as reminders that the world contains forces beyond our reach. Rather than spiraling into despair, we can adjust, adapt, and continue.
Living With Clarity
The balance, then, is to live fully engaged with what we can influence and fully at peace with what we cannot. We are neither absolute masters of fate nor passive victims of circumstance. We are agents with a limited but powerful sphere of choice.
How much of what happens to us is in our control? Less than we wish, but more than we often use. Our task is to find that middle ground, working with purpose, accepting limits, and living with the clarity that comes from knowing the difference.
